I hear dead people, all day long...

And Megan said, "Let there be light." And there was...but was it good? As I was just getting used to our darkened office space - a "green building" sensing movement (or non-movement in this case) to turn the lights on and off. Energy efficient, right? Right. Well, then she had to move, OF COURSE turning on the lights and shocking my eyeballs. This is a regular occurrence. Luckily, I'm going blind, so someday I won't even notice.

That, my friends, will be a good day. Although some people would argue that, and their arguments would be justified. Just saying, don't like my eyeballs hurting. Who does? Just saying.

So as of late, I have discovered the best online radio station in the world, http://www.iheardeadpeople.com/. Their catch is that any song they play, some member of that group (or single singer if it's a solo song) is dead. Dead like my dad's dog, Rover, that I ran over with the lawn mower. And whoever came up with the stupid phrase "dead as a doornail"? That makes no sense. First of all, what is a doornail? I may just be stupid, but a doornail seems to me to be...a nail...which is in a door. Is that nail any "deader" than any other nail placed anywhere else in your house? And what nails are walking around, talking, living, breathing, reproducing, having little "nail lives"? Do they farm nails? Slaughter them to build our doors, window frames, walls, homes, etc.? No. They don't. However, they (human peoples) do do that to various other life forms, like cows, pigs, chickens, bunnies. The phrase would be much more appropriate if it went like this: "Dead as a skinned chinchilla." Sucks to be that chinchilla, and therefore, the phrase is much more effective. No one cares about nails - but chinchillas are cute and soft (the softest fur in the world, in fact) so people empathize with those poor creatures. Good people do at least. Maybe you don't empathize with them, maybe you're not a 'good person'. I personally do feel bad for dead chinchillas - yet, I don't claim to be a 'good person'.

SO, the conclusion to this is: Feeling bad for dead chinchillas = neither good nor bad people at all. I'm a hypocrite, and the doornail phrase sucks. Period.

Moving on, (I ordered my FREE Obama button from them btw...facebook.) I listen to this before mentioned radio station non-stop. Unless I'm doing something on the other side of my cubicle, getting more coffee, smoking, or "using the ladies room". Which I'm very paranoid about, but that's an entirely different story which involves opera singing, a surprise party in my basement, boxers, and a sports bra. It is in no way kinky or sexual. Just detrimental to the development of my restroom usage abilities. If I could listen to this radio station in the bathroom, it make help me. So, obviously, I'm listening to dead people - every thing's great! Not a bad song, and not kidding! Sometimes people exaggerate about these things, I am not. Ray Charles, The Who, Jimi Hendrix, Queen (right now - playing 'Fat Bottomed Girls' - hell yeah! That is my song!), Janis Joplin, The Beatles, all those other 'British Invasion' bands, Alice in Chains, Nirvana (duh.), mainly everything I've got on vinyl at home - with the exceptions of Simon & Garfunkel, Radiohead and Wilco. They are not dead. And will somebody please tell me who died in the Gin Blossoms, because I don't know who it is, but they play the Gin Blossoms on this station. Someone is definitely dead.

On a rather sad note, they played the Alvin and the Chipmunk's Christmas Song the other day - I had no idea Alvin the Chipmunk had died. I supposed every chipmunk meets his end someday, but seriously? Mice do too, is Mickey Mouse dead? Nope. I see him often, in person in fact. It's similar to chinchillas. "Dead like Alvin the Chipmunk". I don't care who you are or what kind of fur muffs you're wearing, you are saddened by that phrase. But it's true. He's dead. Sorry.

Since we are on the topic of listening to composers who have passed on, let's talk about people who have passed on which people all over the world are passing. Like in the bathroom. And it's in the form of Tums, made right here in ol' St. Louis. Tums are very similar to soylent green, except a little fruitier and it settles you're stummy nicely. But so does chalk. Chalk is not dead people, however, Tums are - I am pretty sure.

Tums - the target of my conspiracy of a bureaucratic empire of deception to grieving friends and relatives everywhere - simply being fronted by crematoriums.

Yes, indeed.

You see, TUMS backwards, is SMUT. I have been informed that smut does not mean people's ashes being packed with water into little round circles. Yes, I know if means yucky, sexual stuff. But in this case, you can't call wet ashes "mud" - no, these little blobs are people. And thus, must be given a name similar to "mud" but they are not mud. Smut. Backwards, that's Tums. Yes.

What are tums made out of? Calcium Carbonate. What are bones made out of?

Think about it.

Over and Out.